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MY SECRET

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VENT

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26 Comments
  • Anonymous

    Blaming others for all the wrong reasons. When am I going to learn to admit fault????

    June 22, 2010 at 10:49 pm
  • Anonymous

    Frustrated. Sad. Lonely. Shutting down. Verge of crying. Tears welding up as I type. Sensitive. It’s draining. Feels like I’m deflating slowly. Why…does it even matter to know why. Is this who I am. Are the emotional shifts who I am. Medication seemed to be working. I wish I could walk into the ocean and melt into water. Ride the waves infinitely. Or lie on a a surfing board taking in the rays and never burn…just float. I don’t want to talk, listen, see, hear anyone. No more. Be covered in snow and be still under pure white breathing in cool, clean, crisp air. Why? Why is the thought of isolation attractive. Why do I not crave to be kept warm, to be touched and loved. Why does my world crumble so easily. I feel like that tree in the forest that falls alone and not to be heard.

    July 6, 2010 at 1:23 pm
  • Anonymous

    Damn i wanna curse this f***er out so bad just have him in person and say what a piece of crap he is. F***ing hate trusting peoples words for nothing specially that one person that cant be trusted and you know they cant be trusted and they still do. And im aware some of it is my fault for falling for his stupid mind tricks. But his acting is so on point that you cant tell what really or not. But regrets are the worse thing to have but it happens to the best and worst of us but me imma keep it moving cause is not worth being angry cause i been angry and disappointed for to long to keep being upset about the same shit that isnt taking me anywhere in life only to a early grave if i dont know how to control my emotions that because of him are everywhere. So in short word F*** YOU you piece of wasted breath ! .. Ugghhh !! AHHHHHHH !!! .

    July 18, 2010 at 1:12 pm
  • uncontrolable

    Why can’t I face who I really am?

    August 11, 2010 at 5:02 pm
  • Tired

    How can it be that a family member can hurt you over and over again and no matter what your there. How can it be that I actually feel terrible about having to say NO…No more bull shit..no more using me…I am so tired of being used…I am so tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve…I want to bury it in a hole and pour cement over it…I am tired of lying and covering up for this person thats suppose to set an example for me…This is pathetic and sick..kinda sad..that I have to turn my back on her…But I can no longer handle the disappointments, the lies, the if theres nothing in it for me mentality then fuck u…Wow how can i be related to this? Every time I think about this it makes me want to crawl in a hole somewhere and never come back to reality.

    August 15, 2010 at 4:41 pm
  • Anonymous

    I can’t take it anymore every minute I feel like I am going to break down in tears…I am so freakin depressed about everything that I can’t kick it this time no matter how much I try..It just seems like I will never get back to who I am … I feel like all my strength is gone… all my will to fight for what I want where I wanna be is gone…I sincerely think that maybe the kids are better off without me. I can’t even provide for myself all I have is love..and kids need way more than that..I feel like a failure…I feel like I am truly not good enough for anything…wow its been a minute since i have been this down…and i am so angry at myself..but I can’t do this anymore…everyday life is even hard…It has never been so hard for me to wake up in the morning like these past weeks…I just really don’t want to face life anymore…I am so fuckin tired of being alone…I feel like I have no where to turn drowning in my own puddle of bullshit…

    August 22, 2010 at 4:27 pm
  • Anonymous

    all i feel is tired. don’t understand how i know what the right thing to do is, but my body chooses to ignore it. the sadness has slowly lifted, i have let go of the past. but i am left empty. feeling powerless, careless. just existing, breathing for its own sake. it’s like i am drained.. my sorrows, hurts, everything has been drained from me. instead of happiness, i am left empty, detached. a shell existing. changed…

    August 23, 2010 at 1:07 am
  • anonymous

    All I want to do is die……there are so many people that I am very much aware that I would hurt, but I can’t get the thought out of my head every day I pray something will happen to me. I know that ,that is the easy way out but how do I stop thinking about different plots in my mind? Don’t want to share this with anyone!!!!!!! To scared to be honest with the feelings that are taking over, but I don’t know how much longer I can go feeling this way. The out come would take away so much pain from the past and the present and I am tiered of dealing with both. The feelings I feel are so real, so real. Yet at the same time I can not tell anyone. if I try and am not successful than I have to face reality again and if I try and am than the people I would leave behind would they ever heal from my stupid, insecure, selfness? I cry inside!!!!! I cry when I’m alone!!! How much longer, how much more?

    September 2, 2010 at 8:31 am
  • Anonymous

    Made it through the day, never thought I’d do it. The thoughts are racing, the appetite is disapering, the darkness is becoming much darker. I don’t want to be here but my mind won’t stop. Make it stop I ask my therapist for help, the first person I really tell how I’m feeling. i feel alone. i want to isolate. I need my medication taken away I have to tell my partner because I don’t trust myself. I do I don’t want to worry anyone,

    September 4, 2010 at 11:24 pm
  • Anonymous

    Excuse my language now…….who the f*** does anyone think they are to be judgemental? god doesn’t do it why should anyone else? What do you do when you feel like telling the world to f*** off? Resentment is a bitch!!!!!! Karma is a b****. I’m not suppose to hold anyone responsible for there actions or what they have chosen not to teach themselves about mental illness instead they choose to feel “it’s too much work. You can not imagine the pain unless you have been through it. I am so angry, fearful, the fear of losing control, the fear of confrontation,slipping, of never feeling that high of natural happiness, burning out again, being by myself, losing the few friends I have left, shutting down, become depleted, not being able to find me again. DOES ANYONE REALLY GET THAT? WILL ANYONE EVER GET THAT?

    October 13, 2010 at 10:19 pm
  • Tired

    Is this it? after 3 years of my life this is how it all ends. How could you have replace me and forgot about us so quickly. How am I suppose to keep going with a broken heart. All I ever did was love you. Now I am left with an empty feeling and many unanswered questions. I never imagine it would hurt this bad. I can’t believe you will cause me so much pain. I guess this is how it ends. Now I have to move on so easy too say so hard to do.

    October 20, 2010 at 1:18 pm
  • Mad

    All I want to do is cursed you out. You came and destroyed what took me 3 years to build. Now I am a shadow in his life. You who are you to show up and damage the little bit I have build. I am so mad all I want to do is tell to go f yourself stupid b. But i can’t do nothing at all but sit here and wonder why all things like this now. I can’t explain it. All I know is this pain that doesn’t leave my side. All I want is so closure that I will never get. You know what f*** you both!

    October 26, 2010 at 11:39 am
  • Free writing

    Why things have to hurt so bad. I don’t want to feel this way again. It hurts to feel so lonely. I’m angry so angry my feelings and emtions consume every inch of my being. I’m not this person that I’m now but the pain has overcome my ability to be me. I’m so angry because noone understand how I feel. I’m not crazy or negative. My feelings are real & so is my pain. I’m aware is not logical but is my reality & noone cares. I don’t want to be or do anything. I’m happy for those who do and have. But I don’t anymore God I beg you for strength to ease my pain. I’m not weak. I’m only human & the fact the I have some knowledge of things don’t make me perfect. I just don’t know what to do or say anymore. My anger is so much bigger than me. I feel mock by those that I ever trusted. And once even called family. I don’t have one & I will never have one. God please help me let go of all this anger and recenment towards the people that were, are, will be part of my life. Is so hard to see beyond what hurts me. It’s so hard to trust again. I don’t believe anymore. I can’t even when I want to believe I can’t. I feel that everyone has a secret agenda waiting to see what they can get from me. How are they going to benefit from the idiot that I’m. The fool that trust you & gives you everything while you turn back and destroy me. Yes you don’t you think I want to f***ing get up. And be the N~~~ everyone likes but I lost her. And you are all to blame. Because everytime I have trusted you you have fail me. You have abandoned me when I need you the most. I don’t need things; things don’t make me happy. Things brake. Things get stolen. Things, things. What f***ing good are things when you sick. Things don’t give you peace. Things don’t show you love. Things are just that things. I want I don’t know what I want. I just want to feel ok again to be able to smile from my heart again. Not just to please someone. I want to be ok with me. I just want to restart over. But it seems impossible

    October 28, 2010 at 8:28 pm
  • Anonymous

    Sleep…sleep…sleep….or watch the films of make believe lives that distract the thoughts in my mind. What happened, what changed. Driven, ideas, goals….to motionless. Still. Wasting away. Still so I cannot hurt myself or others. But still as I waste away. I don’t know where I went.

    November 5, 2010 at 3:47 pm
  • Anonymous

    to hold on feels like my fingertips on the ledge of a rabbit hole with life chained to my ankle begging me to let go. low self esteem, lack of self worth keeping me from being able to feel…to feel true love, passion, attraction…without being able to love myself i am unable to love others nor be able to give others reasons to feel loved from me. i am cold…drained…a shell of existence. i don’t want to hurt no more. perception he says. its your perception. ofcourse…every human being’s thought/view is a “perception.” that doesn’t f’kn change anything. i am consumed w/ emptiness. with pain. irrational i am. i hate it. letting go whispers into my ear and travels through my veins…in fear it will reach my hands.

    December 11, 2010 at 7:13 am
  • Roller Coaster..

    I have never felt this way…I feel so happy so lite..full of energy and completely sober..my best friend looked at me today and said what we never say out loud…Maybe this is an episode..maybe these are your highs..I am so use to being depressed crying, quiet..cut off from the world..but today that is different…somebody told me to enjoy the ride because when you fall you will fall hard…I am scared…I am really scared..hands are shaking…don’t know if i should medicate and numb this..what next…I don’t understand why I have this ..why I can’t be normal…A normal person..a normal girlfriend..a normal friend a normal mother a normal wife…Life for me is..i have no idea…scary…and I know I am not the only one that suffers from being bi polar i wonder why if there is god..why create someone to cause harm onto others…like I am a time bomb waiting to explode…Never know what I will do next..crying laughing yelling whispering…I got told last week that people at my job think I am weird..I have never been labeled that way..it hurt me..But the truth is…I can’t stand to let not one more person in…the hurt of them turning away just can’t deal with life on life’s terms..i am never ready for life on its terms..im ready for life on my terms

    January 10, 2011 at 9:53 pm
  • Head up..

    Today has to be one of my most difficult days..what kind of mother misses her childs birthday…? umm a shitty one..I miss him so much that I ache inside…No one could possibly understand how I feel…how I can even breath without them..I promised myself I wouldn’t break down today I would go workout and keep a clear mind but right now its just impossible…Life is impossible today..I don’t want to do anything but cry I hurt so much I feel so bad…my son started to cry when he heard my voice because he knew i wasn’t coming…Someone wake me the f*** up!!! This is a f***in nightmare that just never ends..

    April 26, 2011 at 12:30 pm
  • Anonymous

    When do the worries stop? When does the roller coaster stop, slowdown anything? I hear the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. I keep doing the same sh** and expect a different result….how stupid is that? When you have done something the same way your whole life, how do you or anyone else expect change? How do I change? If I don’t I am never going to help myself. I know my habits, the things I do, how I do them, when I do them, when it all starts, yet I can’t stop it from happening. I don’t know if this makes any sense to anyone or if anyone can relate, but it is a true struggle in my life. The only way things will get better is if I change no one can make me change I have to change myself, do I want to change? How could I not want the change? I am so deathly afraid that this is as good as it gets.

    August 3, 2011 at 2:04 pm
  • need support

    I am so embarrased to admit it. I feel like shit every time i pick at my skin, but something inside me just can’t let me stop. I spend a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror, before and after showers, or exercise, and i just pick away. Sometimes its just picking at the small pores, or the already scabs i have created. I have mild acne, so i tend to blame that, but i know that my acne only looks worse because i pick on it. It’s hard to admit that i am the one to blame for most of my problems that arise from my face. I never want to go out anymore, i broke up with my boyfriend because i didn’t want him to see me with a f***ed up face anymore. I sometime stand there, infront of the mirror consciously knowing that it is wrong for me to pick, and i say it to myself, but my hands just can’t stop. When I go to the dermotologist i hate hearing how she says that if it wasn’t for my skin picking i would have gorgeous skin. This used to be true, i used to have beautiful skin a few years back. I don’t know what changes, maybe it was the fact that my dad commited suicide or that i was beginnig to get acne. I am not brave enough to admit it to my mom so that she can get me some help. I just cover up with make up. I really just wish this would go away. Everyday it’s harder to wake up.

    November 25, 2011 at 1:54 pm
  • Bipolardisorderreally

    Recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, exhibiting rapid cycling and bipolar depression. I am taking Serquel XR, Celexa, and Wellbutrin. I miss my manic highs. I miss the creativity. I miss the spontaneity. I miss the energy. I miss laughing, crying, singing, and the feeling of being overjoyed or elated. I miss giving a shit about my friends lives and my family’s day to day activities. I miss the taste of good food and how it makes you like your home. I miss all these things. When I don’t take my meds I become extremely promiscuous. I will exhibit dangerous behaviors like meeting strangers, cold calling old boyfriends, and whatever makes me feel fabulous in that moment. Then came the guilt and regret. I wish there was a magical pill for this disorder. I wish I could feel and control. That would be the most awesome thing ever.

    December 8, 2011 at 12:22 pm
  • supportiveboyfriendwhojustwantstobethereforher

    baby i want you to know that ill always be here for you.. if you asked i would walk across the world to make you happy i just hate seeing you like this… and when you talked about considering suicide last tue that almost made me cry because i cant imagin a world without you… i love you soo much…. i will do anything for you

    my heart aches because im away from you 🙁
    i want to be close to feel your touch kiss you softly on the back of you hand stare into your eyes and see brown rings around you ires stare right back into mine

    this last week where youve been so distant has been the most conflicted week of my life… i know now what you were going through and i wish i could have been more supportive instead of inpatient

    i think god wants me to learn patients at this time in my life
    im sorry i rushed you and im sorry ive scared you in the past…
    i love you s~~~~ and i always will ,please dont leave me

    my world is an empty shell when your not in it

    i miss the touch of your hand , the smile on your lips, your whispered i love you’s

    i feel like im repeating this too much BUT I LOVE YOU!

    January 27, 2012 at 12:27 am
  • Anonymous

    I realize I am dead to you, therefore I shall be.

    April 20, 2012 at 1:31 am
  • Anonymous

    wow, i miss you im in love with you. i dont know what to do:( i want to see your beautiful face. your absoultely gorgeous. you are honestly the prettiest beautifulness human i have ever seen on this planet. ou dont even no i think about you this much. i feel like you hate me. the words you said to me make me cry. i still love you and always will. i literally cry everyday because of you. ive cried ever since i first met you. i wish you new how much i cared abou you. but you would just get freaked out. i wish i can be your friend but obviuosly i cannot. i literally think about you every second …”some peole care too much, i think its called love”-winnie the pooh
    “Thinking of you is easy i do it everyday, missing you is the heartache that never goes away.”
    i love you really… but i cannot…..

    October 16, 2012 at 4:16 pm
  • Anonymous

    I….I feel empty and my suicidal thoughts are coming back..well they never really left. I mmostly just push every thought I don’t want to deal with to the back of my mind I know i’ll have to deal with that shit sometime but I just don’t…I wait for it to bite me in the ass. I’m a little trigger happy at the moment, I might cut later tonight….But I don’t want to, for him. Then again…I need it, I want it. It’s the only thing that keeps me sane and I haven’t done It in a while…I feel so lost.

    March 16, 2013 at 9:37 pm
  • a number three please

    I just want to get off the planet. I’m tired. I wish there were euthanasia centres you could go to and opt out. Ask for a number three or a number five and exit without fucking it up. Smile or die.

    November 25, 2013 at 7:25 am
  • Anonymous

    my friend keeps calling me a nerd and says I’m too smart to be her friend who ever said intelligence stops you from being friends with people? then she talks all about her life and then when i finally try to talk “i don’t want to hear about ur life” I GIVE UP. AND MY GRANDMA THINKS IM AN IDIOT MY ONLY ESCAPE IS SCHOOL

    October 2, 2015 at 2:49 pm

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