the unexamined life is not worth living
I hear, “Now is a time of change…”
I learned, “It is always a time of change.” My Therapist says everyone changes all the time. Your partner can walk out that door and return with a belief that contradicts what he/she said yesterday because of something they heard, learned, seen today.
We are allowed to change, grow, learn … continuously change.
Even more tricky is learning “Perception.” May we find a way to respect another’s opposing opinion as difficult or maybe impossible to understand. There are a number of influences to how you view the world around you.
I’ve been living majority of my life feeling a part of me empty, like a tiny black hole always holding me back from feeling “fulfilled”, “harmony”, “at ease.”
It’s hard to describe. There’s a list, there’s always a list behind the creation of that black hole. Dysfunctional is the first word on my list.
I have always been able to function with that part of me. Kept going, running, escaping. Most important, functioning as society would have it.
Well, this black hole decided to quadruple in size. An ending to a co-dependent relationship. I had no control. How did I allow it to get that far?
When I look back, throughout my life, I’ve been slowly building to that moment. It was inevitable. A snowball effect waiting for the trigger.
I changed. That change followed by the most difficult years of Major Depression with Suicidal Thoughts and Detachment. A loss of oneself. A rollercoaster ride that I would not wish on any other human being. Nothing made me feel happy, well.
I felt the severity when someone entered my life offering unconditional love that I could not feel/appreciate as much as I wanted to. The reality set in for that person when I wanted to push everyone & everything out of my life.
The help at first was forced but easily not followed. Eventually the struggles worsened and became apparent I needed help.
I made it to a place that has somehow shrunk this black hole. An intense outpatient program involving 12 hours of group therapy a week for a time of 4 months. It’s been some time since I completed the program. I continue to learn and find ways to eliminate or at least shrink this feeling of emptiness to the size of “a star seen in the distance”.