On Friday I felt incredibly low, a grim feeling geared mostly to myself. It’s a blessing and curse to feel like you live and exist for others. Life should be lived and loved first for our own. That is the goal. The love that exists for your daughter and I for my siblings is not by chance or luck. It exists as a the part of our hearts to hold on. Holding on will one day open the rest of our hearts to make room for self-love. The capability has to be there. It’s a matter of learning how to reach it.
You talked about your inability to stand being alone. As you know, it’s not your fault. It is a part of the disorder and you are in treatment to learn how to cope and change that feeling. It feels impossible. There are moments that I can be incredibly sensitive, a person can say something that will tear me down to a broken faucet with endless tears. I learned with a Therapist that there is a tiny window…..a tiny moment to acknowledge that irrational feeling and turn the direction on how to deal with it. I have yet to find this window. But it does exist and I’m slowly learning how to see it. You have that window as well. Give it time and you will learn to find it. And don’t think about how long it will take. Just endure the journey in finding it and that will help you hold on.
I do not know your struggle. But I empathize with that sadness of waiting for change.
I give you small gift. Well its a gift you must choose to gift yourself. I see the scars you share on your arm. Here’s a band-aid for you to place on it just for today. For there is no shame in wearing these scars. It is a reminder and symbol to help open that window. The band-aid wears the motto of TWLOHA. For the hope is wanting, “To Write Love on MY Arms.”
I do not cut. I have an intense fear of blades. But I do self-harm in a different manner. The blood dripping or pain felt in “OSP” is a relief and incredibly difficult way of coping to halt. I have not written to express my thoughts in a long time. You have began to help others without even knowing it.
The BPD‘s rage exposed on Friday is to the “T”on how you explained what happens to you. You said you felt your intense heart beating and emotion took over. I thought at that moment you were not going to pick up the phone again. But at that same moment, is when it took over. Please do not feel bad as I was not afraid. I saw your vulnerability as did the support system you have in place at ……… I hope you experienced the help you are seeking and that moment of pain blessed you to witness “support and love.”
I leave you with a reminder I give myself everyday, “Hold on as much as it hurts.”
“Empathy is the capacity to recognize and, to some extent, share feelings (such as sadness or happiness) that are being experienced by another being.
Someone may need to have a certain amount of empathy before they are able to feel compassion.