Every day I live wanting to die. I allow myself to live for the sake of others. A peace of mind for their existence and torture in mine. They are aware of my sadness. When I consider ending this life, I plan. I will be clean, papers in order, letters written, method successful. It will not be an attempt, it will be once and final. Thus far you have allowed my mind to visit this thought time and time again. I don’t know why it’s like this. I know of others who have tried or vocalized their pain to be hospitalized again and again. I suffer alone in quiet. I tried to rid you of my life by asking for help. Therapy, Medication, Disability only to be failed & denied. I’m getting tired of fighting. Depending on others for Food, Shelter, Money. Tired of living a minimal existence. Unwilling to socialize, work with people, smile, see the sun. I accepted you. I tried re-creating a purpose around you. Yet, you take that away from me. I find a person to want to love and you strip my heart of its will. I am not a worthy person because of you. I have become bitter and lifeless. Allowing those I care for to be a lifeline is proving to be hurtful rather than a blessing. It’s been four years since you entered my life. I don’t want to work, play, live, love because of you. I hide, feel & cause pain because of you. Why live like this. Why fight something so strong. I am becoming a source of worry, disappointment and heartache in the life of others that don’t deserve this. I have a choice. A realization for those who love me that peace can exist for us both. Letting me go. I want to surrender. This life is meant for a fighter. You have stripped me naked and vulnerable as a new-born.
Featured Image Artist: A.W.